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In my last blog post I promised to give you a technique to help you and your partner not to interrupt each other while communicating. The example I use here is during the communication of an important matter that needs to be discussed not normal everyday conversations. When the agreement below is followed in discussions of important matters, then a habit will be formed to listen to each other with presence and focus. Here it is:
1Before he or she starts talking, affirm the following points:
- I’m going to listen to every word you say. So express yourself freely.
- I’m not going to interrupt you even if I feel the urge to do so.
- I’m going to wait until you are done talking.
- I’m not going to assume that you are done, but I will wait until you tell me you’re done.
- After you’re done, I’ll express myself regarding this matter.
- How do you feel about that agreement?
- 100% of the time couples reach full acceptance of those points; unless on of the is in a defiant state, which is another topic of a blog post on how to deal with a partner that’s angry and defiant.
2Listen. Listen. Listen. Listening is a learned behavior. If you are present and you focus on every word that’s coming out of your fiancé’s mouth, you will be able to, not only listen with your ears but also, listen with your heart. You will be able to ask in depth and compassionate questions, once he or she are done talking, to clarify the matter instead of jumping to unsubstantiated conclusion.
3When your fiancé is done talking, ask your questions, clarify some points, and make sure you have all the facts before stating your view about the matter.
4Ask your fiancé to abide by the agreement stated at the beginning of the conversation as you did and not to interrupt until you are done talking.
5It’s your turn to express your point-of-view regarding the mater.
6When you have expressed yourself fully, it’s your fiancé’s turn to clarify, ask questions, and get your full view.
7Reach a satisfying conclusion.