Does your fiancé say those words whenever you mention a problem that has to do with the wedding preparation?
How do you interpret what he means?
One of my clients was so frustrated with her fiancé because she felt he dismissed her concerns whenever a problem appeared and repeated the expression: “What’s the big deal!”
“Did you ask him what he means?” I asked her.
“No,” she said, “he just doesn’t want to face or get involved in the problem.”
“Is that your interpretation?”
“This is the first time since we’ve met a year ago that he keeps saying those words, and I’m sure that it stems from him not wanting to get involved.” She was adamant about her claim.
After a moment of silence, I attempted to pierce her rigid stance: “Your interpretation is your own meaning that you attach to words or actions based on your own perception of those words or acts. But they are not what the person who said the words or did the actions exactly intended.”
“I made the interpretation according to my understanding of his personality,” she resisted.
“You made the interpretation according to, partially, your understanding of his personality but also according to your view of the world around you. Who have you heard in your circle of family and friends say those exact words and it’s been known about them that they don’t want to get involved or face problems?”
She thought for a moment and then said: “My uncle.”
“It’s easy for each one of us to misunderstand our fiancé when we base our interpretations upon our own blueprint of our environment and not theirs. Your fiancé is a new member of your life. You both are in the process of knowing everything about each other. It’s like a discovery journey of the intricate details of your life’s partnership. So, giving one-sided interpretations without asking your partner to clarify is like going into a dark room that you’ve never entered before. You’ll stumble on whatever is in your path and you might get hurt,” I explained.
Interpretation of other people’s words or actions without knowledge of their true intent is one of the major blocks that cause relationships to fail and for feelings to get hurt.
So, next time your fiancé says: “What’s the big deal?” Go ahead, and playfully ask him: “Honey, what do you mean by saying ‘what’s the big deal?’ ”